you are so fat.

but really.
what do you even think this post is going to be about.
you.
me.
society.
nope... none of the above.
it is about olive.
my precious baby girl.

why are you so fat.

you look so big.

i have never seen someone so big.

how much do you weigh.

what do you eat.

how often.

i can't imagine ever being that big.

what does your doctor think.

there is no way.

these are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head
when i hear the following words leave peoples mouths.
i wish i could say them. but that would be taboo.
why aren't these words taboo.

she is so tiny.

why is she so little.

i can't believe my babies were ever that little.

how much does she weigh.

are you breast feeding.

how often does she eat. 

what does your pediatrician say.

they probably aren't taboo because she is a baby.
she doesn't understand.
she can't respond.
but it still stings.
if you have said such things to me,
please know first off that i forgive you & don't hold it against you.
i know things are said without thinking a majority of the time.
& sometimes things are said with pure intentions.
this is simply to share my heart.
my heavy heavy heart these last few months.
as the tears begin to fall down my face,
i can not fully tell you the weight i carry day in & day out.
this weight is my baby's weight, literally.
i would be lying to you if i didn't tell you how heavy it feels.
every two hours as i look down at my precious littles face i pray she eats enough.
that she doesn't chook it up.
& maybe, just maybe she would suddenly gain a pound.
then i play with her
& rest in her constant smiles
& contentment realizing that she is actually doing great.
she has hit every milestone,
some even early!

if this is too much for you i am sorry.
i will be back with other life things soon.
this is my journey.
as i read other mama's stories about this time in their life,
i realize the importance of documenting mine.
it is different. not normal. & hard.
but some mama somewhere will face this i'm sure.
and if not you maybe your friend, wife, sister or acquaintance will.
& then i pray you will have a new view of this place.
& help her find truth & hold her hand through it.

rewind 9 months.
i decided that i would breast feed my baby.
i was going to do it. no.matter.what. duh.
one income family. below the poverty line.
breast feeding is free!
& oh so healthy.
fast forward 6 months.
olive is born.
she latches like a "pro" right after making her debut.
it hurts - but i'm on a high like nothing else.
a few hours later the nurse comes in. wakes me.
latches baby O again.
OUCH!
she tells me to call if i need anything.
lactation consultant stops for a visit.
educates me. latches baby again & i cry.
crying? yup, never knew this would be a part of breast feeding.
to be real honest i imagined a mystical, out of body, amazing experience while feeding my newborn.
NOT this.
to make a long story short -
every feeding in the hospital i had to call a nurse.
different positions were shared,
nothing felt better.
i would cry. tense up. & then so would baby.
mind you olive was a pro.
she was what you call a barracuda eater.
hard latch. fast eater. no regard for mama.
but this did not make my part any easier.
as i left the hospital i dreaded the first feeding at home.
A-L-O-N-E.
hubs got better at helping,
but still he was no pro lactation consultant.
so pause here.
breast feeding was hard for me.
painful - excruciating pain.
but then i have a small baby.
olive was born at 6lbs13oz.
we left the hospital at 5lbs.14oz.
she lost TOO much weight.
my milk hadn't come in.
i was exhausted.
so in hopes to help we started with supplementing.
nurse. pump. feed formula. repeat.
this is literally what i did 24/7.
by the time i reached the end it was time to start again.
all this plus the normal healing & exhaustion was intense.
honestly not sure how we made it.
so back to feeding baby O.
we managed - obviously.
after 4 days at home we went back to the hospital for a weigh in & such.
nothing really changed. she maybe gained a few ounces.
they continued the process.
saw a lactation consultant at day 8.
weighed her. feed her. weighed her.
then gave us more instructions.
12 days later she had gained some more.
all the while i wanted to pull my hair out. cry. quit. sleep. ect.
went back for her two week appointment & got the same feedback.
i was frustrated.
she was my first little, i wanted to do it right.
& my mama intuition said she was doing great.
after the negative feedback at the doctors i quit going for all the extra checkups.
i didn't need someone telling me i wasn't doing enough.
if i was to be doing any more i would need more hours in the day.
my mama was so supportive.
hubs constantly reminded me of the hard work i was doing. it wasn't in vain.
we were healthy.
so for the next 8 weeks we continued down this path.
the pain went away eventually. it was true. it got so much better.
all the mamas were right - persevere & it will be better.
BUT baby O gained slowly.
when we went to our two month check up we were not prepared for what was to happen.
it was one of the worst experiences.
for two hours we sat being asked millions of questions about olive.
how she ate. when. how long. how much.
did i really feed her?!
c'mon... serious you just asked this hormonal mama if i'm really feeding her.
seriously obnoxious.
it was my full time job. all day. every day.
after this long two hours i was told i could no longer breast feed.
my journey was over.
they were very "concerned" for olive.
my aching heart that had been poked & prodded for two hours couldn't handle this.
i said no.
not yet.
we CAN do this.
the pediatrician then budged a bit & said i had to come back in 5 days.
i faked a smile. said yes & left.
with no intention to ever return to see their face again.
YOU JUST QUESTIONED ME FEEDING MY BABY!
she has never lost weight since birth. she has only gained.
can't you encourage us a bit.
i cried.
tears & more tears.
they fall often still.
my baby girl is beautiful.
she smiles & rolls over.
she sits in her bumbo & giggles.
she loves to stand while you hold her.
& can't quit wiggling when she is on her play mat.
she is healthy.
but i feel inadequate.
i apparently can not do enough for her.
my character is in question.
feeding her is a full time job but it doesn't show.
the so called medical experts don't hear my heart.

the things that have been said to me or hubs are insane.
olive was compared to starving babies in africa.
my health is questioned by strangers.
people observe me nursing, just in case i'm doing something wrong.
they question her size.
no one believes her age.
i smile & tell olive that she is precious and my little peanut.
while often choking back the tears.

i feed my baby.

every two hours.

or when ever she is hungry.

i love her to death.

she is perfect.

i eat whenever i get a moment.

many days eating a million snacks.

i want the world for her.

she does not need people questioning her looks already.

she is a precious gem.

a daughter to the king.

i would do anything for her.

but i want the best for her.

olive is beautiful.

her identity is not in her size.

she is seriously edible!

i was chosen to be her mama.

i am enough.

she is my blessing.

i daily bathe my mind in truth.

& so our journey continues.

i am sorry if i gave you a dirty look when you commented,

please forgive me.

if you said things about her size,

i have forgiven you. for real.

if you say them in the future,

it is okay. my skin is thicker & my heart fuller.

& i realize they are not always from a judgmental point of view. 

those who have shared your heart & personal stories,

thank you.

all the mamas who promised it would get better,

you rock. we made it.

to my pediatrician,

i hope i am the last mama you say those things to.

HUBS. you are more than i could ever ask for. 

thank you for being my #1 cheerleader. support & truth-speaker.

my mama. thank you for hearing me & truly listening. for being honest.

& to my new nutritionist I LOVE YOU. thank you for giving olive a chance.

for being encouraged by her & not concerned.

thank you for working WITH us & not controlling us.

you do not know what freedom i experienced last week.

as for what is in the future.

we have another appointment with our nutritionist next week.

together we are going to discuss the next steps.

whatever they may be,

this mama is ready.

i know they will be made WITH me,

not for me.

that at the end of the day we have the same goal.

olive's health.

being concerned about this makes me a great mom.

a sweet sister reminded me of this.

i'm sure the tears are not over,

but i do know that with a renewed mind.

spoken truth in my life.

we will continue on this beautiful journey.

motherhood is no joke.

& to you sweet olive.

my little peanut.

you bring tears to my eyes all the time.

thank you for making me a mama.

for being constant joy in my life

may you persevere in your life through hard times.

that you may never question your shape or size.

but see the perfect beauty our heavenly father gave you.

muah! 

baby o. you rock.