on the road again

so the question of the century for us right now is
"what are you going to do next?"

it is simple.
& yet so complicated all at the same time.
what would you do after winning the super bowl?

well we have decided that we need to rest & reassess what is next.
we are taking some time off from the day to day life of a j-o-b.
after 2 years of grad school,
one NBA internship & season,
one NFL internship & season & super bowl,
oh, and four moves in three states to boot.
we figure that it is a no brainer.

we are off on another adventure.

the "plan" is this.
we leave march 1st for portland.
spend the night there & enjoy some time with our NBA family.
early sunday March 2nd we will hit the road for southern California.
our goal is to do the trip in one day
& crash into bed at our uncle & aunt's house that evening.
we then plan to unplug from the world.
soak in the sun.
rest & relax.
we will be spending the whole month of march in california.
we will be seeing other family & friends.
hubs is in a wedding.
celebrating olive's first birthday.
eating all over the greater LA area.
and just being in the sun in our loved home.

during this time
we are going to start talking about,
praying about,
& researching what is next.
options are endless it seems,
so now we just want to be sure to make the right choice.

after our glorious month in california
we will drive back to seattle.
we intend to spend a week or so eating our way through the city.
since our schedule has been so tight,
& now we are doing a whole30,
it seems like we haven't had the opportunity to be foodies.
which we love to do!

then earlyish april we will board an airplane
& head west to the midwest with baby & puppy in tow.
we don't know what this will look like,
except it will be a lot of family time
& being able to help & serve our parents in their homes.

we don't know what will happen from here.
we don't know where we will go next.
how long we will be there,
or if it will be what we currently think it will be.
we are taking these next few months to figure that out.
to spend time as a family,
& enjoy some down time together.

we are excited for this next step,
but as always transitions are hard.
everyone assumes since we do it so much we are good at it.
that it doesn't hurt as much
& we forget quickly.
i wish that was the case.
the transition blues have already hit our home.

we feel so blessed to have lived everywhere we have.
to have people we knew so short become our family,
& to know we will forever have vacation destinations all over the west coast.
but just like everyones life.
it appears glamourous,
but the nitty-gritty-behind-the-scenes-in-real-life isn't always so pretty.

so if you are in either of the locations we are headed,
let us know.
we would love to eat with you & here about what is happening in your life.
& if you are in seattle,
lets hang out asap.
& you should plan on eating your way through the city with us in April.

oh,
and super bowl blog posts are coming!

XO

exhaustion

we have fallen off cloud 9.

like, plummeted to the ground kind of falling.

in our plummet many aches & pains joined us,

as well as some illness,

& many tears.

whew.

what a ride this has been.

what a ride it is,

& i don't believe it is quite over.

i have experienced emotions this week that were firsts.

have you ever been so high on adrenaline that you overdose?

ugh. pure sickness. tummy churning sickness.

oh, and don't forget the tears. 

sobs. and more tears.

have you ever been so high & had something steal that moment?

anxiety abducts the bliss.

no matter how you "self talk" it is hard to not be angry.

frustration shouldn't be a part of all "this".

"this" being cloud 9 - super bowl bound - dream filling - bliss.

we have fallen off cloud 9.

we are exhausted.

but it is not over. 

in these last few days at home as a family,

we plan to rest.

rest. soak this in. 

the joy & excitement that is.

and all that is to come.

we are floating in our good gift.

taking delight in what HE gave us.

being so thankful for this moment.

& not letting deception steal it.

NFC Champions.

considering the circumstances & the heaviness on my heart as i woke up,
i realized i need to share my thoughts on something that i normally would keep quiet about.
i think it is something i need to wrestle with just as much.
and also, being brave & having a voice.

so if you didn't hear.
the seahawks & the broncos are going to the Super Bowl.
the super bowl people.
for those of us "behind the scenes" this means so much more.
the road to the Super Bowl is not for the faint of heart.
we are exhausted. we are sleepless. we are insane.
last night was SURREAL.
still is.
i woke up this morning to check the score.

also if you live under a rock,
or have not 1 friend on social media who posts about relevant current events,
you may have not heard our corner back Richard Sherman had an interview….
that made everyone talk.

_______________________________________

so as i step on my soap box,
you can scroll to the bottom & skip whatever you like.

"if you call a football player classless, you should really think more about what football actually is"
- bruce andrews-

this is all i am going to say.
if you base your opinion & judge someone on 1 minute of their lives
((i'm being generous with the amount of time))
then what 1 minute of your life would you like others to base their judgements & opinions of you on?
mind you.
that 1 minute would be following
hours of trash talking,
antagonizing,
cussing out,
verbally destroying identities,
countless "off screen" jabs,
oh and high intensity physical exertion,
all in the name of a "fun game".

could you turn it all off in one second?
or would you explode?
maybe even feel the need to explain yourself?
justify your actions?
so after this minute all judgements are made
& now we no longer like ANYTHING that you are about.
we DO NOT respect anything in your life.
& we are going to make posters telling everyone what we think about you.

in no way am i saying what was done & said right or wrong.
i just want to bring to light a few things that we (me or my husband) have seen.

nothing happens in a vacuum.
the behind the scenes is nitty gritty dirty.
if most people knew - i truly wonder who the audience would become.
if these are the 10 seconds you are going to base your super bowl cheering decision on,
i'm sorry for you.
but please don't forget about the hundreds of others who work their ass off for this opportunity.
the "rest" of the Seahawk team.
WE are IN THIS. all of us.
wives. families. players. staff. personnel.
making it to the Super Bowl is a feat beyond the 60 minutes on the clock.
if you are going to cheer for the broncos - that's awesome, seriously.
payton manning is one of the best quarter backs ever,
and the best in the league right now.
i am excited i get  to see him play in new jersey.

and lastly,
to my brothers & sisters in jesus.
when we talk about public humility…
why do we expect it out of the ungodly?

stepping off my soap box
________________________________

so anyways.
for all the friends & family who want to know.

Scottie is headed to New Jersey on Sunday!
and we fly out a few days before the Super Bowl!
AH!
this is real life.
we are ecstatic.
we are still living on cloud 9.
the time and energy expended the last six months feels worth it.
we are thankful.
seriously.
tears stream as i tell you all this.
we feel beyond blessed for everything.
blessed beyond measure.
Jesus' grace is scandalous.
this is not because we are good enough,
it is because God is good & he gives good gifts to his children.

and as scottie said on our wedding day,
we wanted an epic story right?

thank you for all your
love,
prayers,
support,
tears,
voices,
texts,
phone calls,
comments,
& encouragement this season.
it is not unnoticed.
& we know we could not do this without our growing village -
however scattered you all are around the country.

i'm in.

we are tapped in.
we are ready for the final play off game of our season.
on the road to the Super Bowl.

the common phrases heard around seahawk land are
…compete to win
…i'm in
…we all we got. we all we need.

and it is how we feel too.
this NFL season has been the most intense tidal wave of our life.
this "season" of life has been insane.
seriously always feeling like if we hesitate for a second
the wave will eat us up & spit us out.
life may crash down right around us.
but the best part of it all is being able to stay on edge of the wave.
to enjoy the ride.
to soak in every second.
every moment.

as first year Seahawk fans,
this ride has been incredible.
to be in a city that buzzes about their team.
to be on the inside of it all.
& hear the truth behind the media.
to be a part of record breaking moments & beast quakes.
this team is incredible.
without sharing things i can't,
i will say.
we feel blessed that THIS was the team & season hubs started working in the NFL.

as the season ticket holders behind me said,
"where is the baby lady"
it made me realize what an honor it has been to be a mama this year too.
miss O hadn't missed a game until this week.
she was the buzz of all those around us.
always the center of pictures to the point that this mama should have started charging.
it was fun to "do" this NFL season together.
to support our love, papa daddy, on the sidelines.
he knows his girls are in the stands
& always makes a point to run & kiss us when the game is over.
rain or shine.
we are in this.

as we anxiously & sleeplessly await sunday,
i will soak in the blessings of what this year has already been.


we all we got.
we all we need.
go hawks.

merry. christmas.

merry christmas to you & yours.

this day has come much quicker than anticipated.
it has also come on a week where it just seems overwhelming.
isn't that how the holidays always are?

you have this picture perfect, movie like idea of what it should be.
& then well, it just isn't that.
you are wrapping presents on christmas eve,
prepping food & making a mental list of all the things you forgot…
so now what?

we are getting ready for our first christmas with olive.
what an exciting time it should be.
all olive wanted for christmas was her two front teeth…
& man are they making an intense debut.
i am also attempting to pack for a 2 week midwest tour.
flying out the morning after christmas made a lot more sense 2 months ago.
right now i'm dreading the idea.
laundry is getting done at midnight.
christmas presents are packed & take up most of the suitcase.
trying to leave the house nice & ready for scottie for my absence.
& then of course trying to enjoy it all in the meantime.

today was also a different kind of holiday.
our pseudo uncle here in seattle,
under went quadruple bypass surgery.
not exactly the type of thing that you plan to have going on during christmas.
this has caused us all to stop & reevaluate our outlook on things.
it was a blessing for us to host dinner to day for the extended family,
but quite exhausting at the same time.
you begin to quickly realize who holds the family together when they are suddenly ALL missing.
by some miracle we made it to church on time & even got seats.

also.
if you were unaware - the seahawks lost on sunday.
this not only effects the outcome of the team,
it greatly effects our personal lives.
monday morning when scottie got to work he found out that he would be working on christmas.
not merely working either.
it would be a long day.
14 hours kind of long day.
after many tears & frustration.
i sent out a mass text to some friends & just asked for prayer for us.
one of my sweet & very wise friends made the comment that she would pray they would change the schedule.
this sounded absurd - but so logical.
in the NFL such things don't "just" happen.
after a few hours of letting things soak in,
crying & praying i had started to be okay with the circumstances.
as i was walking through a store i received this text.
"it is a christmas miracle".
along with a picture of the schedule from scottie.
at about 1:00pm they printed a revised schedule that showed christmas day everyone would be off!
as i read this i burst out crying in the store
& wanted to shout from the rooftops -
my heart burst with thankfulness & such a sense of smallness.
our GOD is SO good.
he listens to our small prayers about details.
about things that seem so important in our lives,
but ultimately can be so trivial.
he knows our hearts & hears our prayers.

God loves us so much that HE came to earth in baby human form.
to live a perfect life on this earth
& then die as a sacrifice for our sins so that we wouldn't have to pay the penalty for them.

it blows my mind still --
that he cares about the details.
it seriously was an act of God that they revised the schedule.
no one knows why or how or what caused it.
but no one questioned it.
so tomorrow morning many dads, papas & families will be together because of it.

whew.
laundry is finishing & presents are wrapped.
off to bed we go.

XO

hello. blogging. world.

well in august i wrote a post about it being so long.
well now it is december & wow it has been long.
after much deliberation & dragging of my heels,
i decided to take the leap back in to the blogging world.

seriously,
this is more overwhelming than i can fully describe.
months and days and weeks and minutes of our life have not been shared.
but let's be honest,
i am not ever going to catch up on those,
so why waste more time "waiting" for me to do so?

so here i am.
december.
friday the 13th.
the LAST weekend alone while hubs travels.
that means this NFL season is coming to an end.
very quickly.
mind you, we have playoffs -
but the regular season is done in 3 more games.
last season i counted down 82 games.
this season i have counted down 16 games.
8 away.
8 home.
let's talk about perspective!

so in the next weeks as this year comes to a close,
i want to share our life.
our place.
our story.

that is why i started this blog.
to share our story.
our very small story telling the greatest story of them all.
we have been rescued by a Savior.
the King of Kings.
the Prince of Peace.
the Father of us all.

Jesus has relentlessly pursued us.
his scandalous grace has wrecked our lives
& we hope to never recover.
to live faithfully,
taking each day as it comes.
knowing he is steadfast.
& OUR story is not in vain.
we are not perfect,
but he is.
our life is not hopeless.
it has purpose.

to bring glory to his name!

two months & so much change.

where does the time go?
seriously can not believe it has been two months.
a lot has changed.
a lot has happened.
a lot is new.
but basically.

i am thankful.
thankful for my marriage.
thankful for my best friend.
thankful for my precious little babe.
thankful for a home in northern minnesota.
thankful for friends who pick up right where we left off.
thankful for quiet moments at the lake.
thankful for nights of laughter over nothing important.
thankful for road trips with my bestie.
thankful for helpful people while i travel.
thankful for meaningless trips to target with dear friends.
just oh so thankful.

i can't wait to share it all.
to share olives growth.
her firsts.
my heart is full & my love tank is pouring over.

you are so fat.

but really.
what do you even think this post is going to be about.
you.
me.
society.
nope... none of the above.
it is about olive.
my precious baby girl.

why are you so fat.

you look so big.

i have never seen someone so big.

how much do you weigh.

what do you eat.

how often.

i can't imagine ever being that big.

what does your doctor think.

there is no way.

these are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head
when i hear the following words leave peoples mouths.
i wish i could say them. but that would be taboo.
why aren't these words taboo.

she is so tiny.

why is she so little.

i can't believe my babies were ever that little.

how much does she weigh.

are you breast feeding.

how often does she eat. 

what does your pediatrician say.

they probably aren't taboo because she is a baby.
she doesn't understand.
she can't respond.
but it still stings.
if you have said such things to me,
please know first off that i forgive you & don't hold it against you.
i know things are said without thinking a majority of the time.
& sometimes things are said with pure intentions.
this is simply to share my heart.
my heavy heavy heart these last few months.
as the tears begin to fall down my face,
i can not fully tell you the weight i carry day in & day out.
this weight is my baby's weight, literally.
i would be lying to you if i didn't tell you how heavy it feels.
every two hours as i look down at my precious littles face i pray she eats enough.
that she doesn't chook it up.
& maybe, just maybe she would suddenly gain a pound.
then i play with her
& rest in her constant smiles
& contentment realizing that she is actually doing great.
she has hit every milestone,
some even early!

if this is too much for you i am sorry.
i will be back with other life things soon.
this is my journey.
as i read other mama's stories about this time in their life,
i realize the importance of documenting mine.
it is different. not normal. & hard.
but some mama somewhere will face this i'm sure.
and if not you maybe your friend, wife, sister or acquaintance will.
& then i pray you will have a new view of this place.
& help her find truth & hold her hand through it.

rewind 9 months.
i decided that i would breast feed my baby.
i was going to do it. no.matter.what. duh.
one income family. below the poverty line.
breast feeding is free!
& oh so healthy.
fast forward 6 months.
olive is born.
she latches like a "pro" right after making her debut.
it hurts - but i'm on a high like nothing else.
a few hours later the nurse comes in. wakes me.
latches baby O again.
OUCH!
she tells me to call if i need anything.
lactation consultant stops for a visit.
educates me. latches baby again & i cry.
crying? yup, never knew this would be a part of breast feeding.
to be real honest i imagined a mystical, out of body, amazing experience while feeding my newborn.
NOT this.
to make a long story short -
every feeding in the hospital i had to call a nurse.
different positions were shared,
nothing felt better.
i would cry. tense up. & then so would baby.
mind you olive was a pro.
she was what you call a barracuda eater.
hard latch. fast eater. no regard for mama.
but this did not make my part any easier.
as i left the hospital i dreaded the first feeding at home.
A-L-O-N-E.
hubs got better at helping,
but still he was no pro lactation consultant.
so pause here.
breast feeding was hard for me.
painful - excruciating pain.
but then i have a small baby.
olive was born at 6lbs13oz.
we left the hospital at 5lbs.14oz.
she lost TOO much weight.
my milk hadn't come in.
i was exhausted.
so in hopes to help we started with supplementing.
nurse. pump. feed formula. repeat.
this is literally what i did 24/7.
by the time i reached the end it was time to start again.
all this plus the normal healing & exhaustion was intense.
honestly not sure how we made it.
so back to feeding baby O.
we managed - obviously.
after 4 days at home we went back to the hospital for a weigh in & such.
nothing really changed. she maybe gained a few ounces.
they continued the process.
saw a lactation consultant at day 8.
weighed her. feed her. weighed her.
then gave us more instructions.
12 days later she had gained some more.
all the while i wanted to pull my hair out. cry. quit. sleep. ect.
went back for her two week appointment & got the same feedback.
i was frustrated.
she was my first little, i wanted to do it right.
& my mama intuition said she was doing great.
after the negative feedback at the doctors i quit going for all the extra checkups.
i didn't need someone telling me i wasn't doing enough.
if i was to be doing any more i would need more hours in the day.
my mama was so supportive.
hubs constantly reminded me of the hard work i was doing. it wasn't in vain.
we were healthy.
so for the next 8 weeks we continued down this path.
the pain went away eventually. it was true. it got so much better.
all the mamas were right - persevere & it will be better.
BUT baby O gained slowly.
when we went to our two month check up we were not prepared for what was to happen.
it was one of the worst experiences.
for two hours we sat being asked millions of questions about olive.
how she ate. when. how long. how much.
did i really feed her?!
c'mon... serious you just asked this hormonal mama if i'm really feeding her.
seriously obnoxious.
it was my full time job. all day. every day.
after this long two hours i was told i could no longer breast feed.
my journey was over.
they were very "concerned" for olive.
my aching heart that had been poked & prodded for two hours couldn't handle this.
i said no.
not yet.
we CAN do this.
the pediatrician then budged a bit & said i had to come back in 5 days.
i faked a smile. said yes & left.
with no intention to ever return to see their face again.
YOU JUST QUESTIONED ME FEEDING MY BABY!
she has never lost weight since birth. she has only gained.
can't you encourage us a bit.
i cried.
tears & more tears.
they fall often still.
my baby girl is beautiful.
she smiles & rolls over.
she sits in her bumbo & giggles.
she loves to stand while you hold her.
& can't quit wiggling when she is on her play mat.
she is healthy.
but i feel inadequate.
i apparently can not do enough for her.
my character is in question.
feeding her is a full time job but it doesn't show.
the so called medical experts don't hear my heart.

the things that have been said to me or hubs are insane.
olive was compared to starving babies in africa.
my health is questioned by strangers.
people observe me nursing, just in case i'm doing something wrong.
they question her size.
no one believes her age.
i smile & tell olive that she is precious and my little peanut.
while often choking back the tears.

i feed my baby.

every two hours.

or when ever she is hungry.

i love her to death.

she is perfect.

i eat whenever i get a moment.

many days eating a million snacks.

i want the world for her.

she does not need people questioning her looks already.

she is a precious gem.

a daughter to the king.

i would do anything for her.

but i want the best for her.

olive is beautiful.

her identity is not in her size.

she is seriously edible!

i was chosen to be her mama.

i am enough.

she is my blessing.

i daily bathe my mind in truth.

& so our journey continues.

i am sorry if i gave you a dirty look when you commented,

please forgive me.

if you said things about her size,

i have forgiven you. for real.

if you say them in the future,

it is okay. my skin is thicker & my heart fuller.

& i realize they are not always from a judgmental point of view. 

those who have shared your heart & personal stories,

thank you.

all the mamas who promised it would get better,

you rock. we made it.

to my pediatrician,

i hope i am the last mama you say those things to.

HUBS. you are more than i could ever ask for. 

thank you for being my #1 cheerleader. support & truth-speaker.

my mama. thank you for hearing me & truly listening. for being honest.

& to my new nutritionist I LOVE YOU. thank you for giving olive a chance.

for being encouraged by her & not concerned.

thank you for working WITH us & not controlling us.

you do not know what freedom i experienced last week.

as for what is in the future.

we have another appointment with our nutritionist next week.

together we are going to discuss the next steps.

whatever they may be,

this mama is ready.

i know they will be made WITH me,

not for me.

that at the end of the day we have the same goal.

olive's health.

being concerned about this makes me a great mom.

a sweet sister reminded me of this.

i'm sure the tears are not over,

but i do know that with a renewed mind.

spoken truth in my life.

we will continue on this beautiful journey.

motherhood is no joke.

& to you sweet olive.

my little peanut.

you bring tears to my eyes all the time.

thank you for making me a mama.

for being constant joy in my life

may you persevere in your life through hard times.

that you may never question your shape or size.

but see the perfect beauty our heavenly father gave you.

muah! 

baby o. you rock.